Goodbye to a Friend

I got word a couple of days ago that a good friend of mine committed suicide.  We’ve been friends for probably close to 11 or 12 years.  When we first met, we used to go out with a group of friends to go dancing.  Neither one of us drank more than a drink or two so we tended to hang out together.  We used to call ourselves a “token couple” because we would save each other from advances made by the opposite sex.  We’ve always laughed about that.

This is hard for me to deal with because I don’t exactly know how to feel.  Of course, I’m sad.  I’ll miss my friend.  My heart breaks knowing that he felt there was no other answer.  Knowing how he died breaks my heart even more.  Part of me is angry because of this choice.  I feel some anger toward the things and people that I’m sure he felt pushed him toward that decision.  I feel anger toward a system who let yet another of our vets down.  Then there is the anger I feel toward him for not feeling he could talk to me.

I feel compassionate toward him because I do know of the demons he was fighting.  It was something we had talked about a number of times.  At one point, I spent the majority of a week in the hospital at his bedside while he fought one of those demons-an addiction that would eventually overtake him.  It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to help a friend through.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t help him much more than that.  He had to want help in order to win this battle.  His stint in the hospital wasn’t due to wanting help; but rather needing help due to some of the physical ailments caused by his addiction.

He made a plea for help at one point; but the system did little for him.  He was admitted for probably a one-night stay and let go.  I personally feel, at that point, he should have been kept longer, been given treatment for his physical and mental issues.  But that didn’t happen.  It was just a matter of time before he was successful.  You want to step in and force them to get help; but you can’t make a person do something they don’t want to do or don’t feel they need to do.  Treatment is also expensive and hospitals and treatment centers don’t help much if you don’t have enough insurance or money.

I wish I had known you were so close to your breaking point.  I wish you had felt you could talk to me and that maybe I could have helped.  There’s nothing that can be said or done to bring you back.  You can’t hear the words I’d say to you right now.  I only hope you are finally at peace, my friend.  You will be missed.

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~ by unknown2neone on March 26, 2016.

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